jumbled

I am a basket case. Just thought I'd put that right out there in the wiiiiide open. Sometimes I am bright and bursting and happy about everything. I laugh out loud at anything (like today on the bus I watched a man outside trying to be sooo cool bouncing around this tennis ball in front of his friends and on one particularly epic bounce he slipped on some rocks and face planted on the ground like a starfish HAHAHAHAHA watching him trying to play it off was the best part)and feel so fully at home and alive in my body. It is equally as likely, though, to find me on my bed/the floor/anywhere I happen to be when it strikes me laying out like a beached whale feeling like the WORST shit possible and fantasizing about sleeping through the next two weeks and waking up just in time to catch a plane the hell out of here. I think it is because I am now only partially here. The departure date is coming so soon and I've been having to deal with class registration, finding a job, finding a home, et cetera and to do so have really had to put myself in a "home" state of mind. I've been allowing myself to fall into long daydreams of crunchy redorange leaves and rain and imagining all the wonderful people I love that I will see when I come home. I'm wondering when I will shave my head, and thinking about new years celebrations and already mentally decorating my new room like little India. I love thinking about home in one way, because it is comfortable and safe and easy to understand. On the other hand though, it makes me saaaad sad sad. It makes me feel like nothing here is right, and I start ticking off in my mind all the things I HATE about India (men staring at you constantly, stifling heat, ALWAYS feeling sick because of this damn parasite or whatever it is thats got me feeling like crap.) Next thing I know I'm Negative Nancy sitting on my bed and cursing the world.
I feel much better when I'm distracted, and have actually been having wonderful days once I drag my sorry ass out of the hostel. I'm still taking lessons with Kripa in the morning and gahhhhh they are only getting harder but I love the challenge. In the afternoon for a short time I watch classes at the school, but now I also spend an hour teaching ballet. They have roped me into teaching ballet to a group of 20 fifteen year olds (13 girls and 7 boys) and expect me to teach the kids "all that there is to know about ballet" AND create/teach a 3-5 minute dance for them to perform within 5 days. HA. Right away I said nooooo way but they badgered the hell out of me and basically forced me to do it and I've actually been having a WONDERFUL time. I of course gave up instantly on perfection, on teaching them more than like 8 moves, and on having a piece any longer than 1 or 2 minutes and that has made my life much easier. The kids are actually REALLY into it and I have especially loved teaching the boys as they don't know that there is a stigma about boys dancing ballet and they are twiddling along across the floor on their toes just as earnestly as any of the girls. In fact my best student is a very serious very gangly young man! I have also loved being able to say to these girls what I want to say to EVERY woman which is DON'T be ashamed of your body stand up tall and proud, chin up, smile, don't apologize for ANYTHING you are doing. Day 1 was full of shyness and giggling and eyes trained only on the floor and already the giggling (save today when one boy was jumping and his pants fell off HAHA) has given way to concentration and just going for it and trying. And I'm not trying to sound like some hero teacher, it is all the kids! I really got a wonderful wonderful group. Riding on Kripa's scooter and then even the painfully long bus ride home I am on cloud 9, my legs soooo tired and my mind jumping between the choreography I am learning and the little dance I am making up for the kids. Aiieee it's dinner time...I guess this post didn't really have a point but I think that pretty accurately reflects my mental state. Big big love to everyone.

the lovely boys (minus one)
chins UP! (i hope i corrected that girls arm position immediately after this photo was taken)

beautiful beautiful Kripa