jumbled

I am a basket case. Just thought I'd put that right out there in the wiiiiide open. Sometimes I am bright and bursting and happy about everything. I laugh out loud at anything (like today on the bus I watched a man outside trying to be sooo cool bouncing around this tennis ball in front of his friends and on one particularly epic bounce he slipped on some rocks and face planted on the ground like a starfish HAHAHAHAHA watching him trying to play it off was the best part)and feel so fully at home and alive in my body. It is equally as likely, though, to find me on my bed/the floor/anywhere I happen to be when it strikes me laying out like a beached whale feeling like the WORST shit possible and fantasizing about sleeping through the next two weeks and waking up just in time to catch a plane the hell out of here. I think it is because I am now only partially here. The departure date is coming so soon and I've been having to deal with class registration, finding a job, finding a home, et cetera and to do so have really had to put myself in a "home" state of mind. I've been allowing myself to fall into long daydreams of crunchy redorange leaves and rain and imagining all the wonderful people I love that I will see when I come home. I'm wondering when I will shave my head, and thinking about new years celebrations and already mentally decorating my new room like little India. I love thinking about home in one way, because it is comfortable and safe and easy to understand. On the other hand though, it makes me saaaad sad sad. It makes me feel like nothing here is right, and I start ticking off in my mind all the things I HATE about India (men staring at you constantly, stifling heat, ALWAYS feeling sick because of this damn parasite or whatever it is thats got me feeling like crap.) Next thing I know I'm Negative Nancy sitting on my bed and cursing the world.
I feel much better when I'm distracted, and have actually been having wonderful days once I drag my sorry ass out of the hostel. I'm still taking lessons with Kripa in the morning and gahhhhh they are only getting harder but I love the challenge. In the afternoon for a short time I watch classes at the school, but now I also spend an hour teaching ballet. They have roped me into teaching ballet to a group of 20 fifteen year olds (13 girls and 7 boys) and expect me to teach the kids "all that there is to know about ballet" AND create/teach a 3-5 minute dance for them to perform within 5 days. HA. Right away I said nooooo way but they badgered the hell out of me and basically forced me to do it and I've actually been having a WONDERFUL time. I of course gave up instantly on perfection, on teaching them more than like 8 moves, and on having a piece any longer than 1 or 2 minutes and that has made my life much easier. The kids are actually REALLY into it and I have especially loved teaching the boys as they don't know that there is a stigma about boys dancing ballet and they are twiddling along across the floor on their toes just as earnestly as any of the girls. In fact my best student is a very serious very gangly young man! I have also loved being able to say to these girls what I want to say to EVERY woman which is DON'T be ashamed of your body stand up tall and proud, chin up, smile, don't apologize for ANYTHING you are doing. Day 1 was full of shyness and giggling and eyes trained only on the floor and already the giggling (save today when one boy was jumping and his pants fell off HAHA) has given way to concentration and just going for it and trying. And I'm not trying to sound like some hero teacher, it is all the kids! I really got a wonderful wonderful group. Riding on Kripa's scooter and then even the painfully long bus ride home I am on cloud 9, my legs soooo tired and my mind jumping between the choreography I am learning and the little dance I am making up for the kids. Aiieee it's dinner time...I guess this post didn't really have a point but I think that pretty accurately reflects my mental state. Big big love to everyone.

the lovely boys (minus one)
chins UP! (i hope i corrected that girls arm position immediately after this photo was taken)

beautiful beautiful Kripa

exasperated

I wanted to share this because it blew my mind...Some things here I have resigned to not understanding and not even trying but this really pushed my buttons BAD. Through my dance project I've become close with this dancer named Chandana who has been roped into scootering me to hell and back to get costume pieces, see shows, etc. etc. She is SO sweet and it has been great to have someone MY AGE with my same interests who I feel completely comfortable with...I've understood a lot more about Indian culture through her probably than all my two months of classroom lessons combined. Anyway Chandana has been dancing with Kripa for 14 years and is now teaching dance at the school alongside K. She just had her first public solo performance which is a HUGE deal here, a 3 hour affair where all these respected artists of the community come to watch and appreciate/evaluate your skill at dancing and expression. I got to watch some of Chandana's tape and it was BEAUTIFUL. Basically dance is this girl's life. Because of her "ripe" age, though, her parents have decided it is time for her to get married. She has been arranged in a match with an older man who lives outside of Mysore, and their wedding date is set for February 4th. That part I can handle--most of the married people you meet here were arranged marriages and not "love matches" and they all swear up and down by how much better it is. Honestly I am almost convinced...Because the marriage wasn't for love, it is based instead on just working together to make life work and often love grows from working together that way. The matches are based on a number of things including astrological compatibility, caste (eek), education, religion, economic standing, and the compatibility of the two families (this part is extremely important since most often the bride will have to live not just with the groom but with his entire family.)
What DOES kill me is not only will Chandana have to leave Mysore and live in some strange new place, SHE WILL NO LONGER BE ALLOWED TO DANCE. Apparently men forbid their wives to dance because “after marriage a woman should be for her husband’s eyes only,” and the prospect of her doing anything in front of a crowd—and god forbid DANCING, is totally unacceptable. There is this stigma attached to dancing from way back, a lingering idea that somehow if one is a dancer it means she is also a prostitute. This couldn't be farther from the truth, especially in Bharatanatyam which is based in ritual and tradition and there are extensive pains taken to AVOID any movements that are in any way sexual! The hips NEVER move and just the other day Kripa was showing me a new step and warned me against doing it with too much gusto because if you do it makes your chest shimmy the tiniest bit. The girls clip, pin, and tie the hell out of their costumes to make sure that no movement they do could possibly expose cleavage or belly.
Kripa had to turn down a number of marriage proposals to doctors and engineers and other esteemed men because if she married them she wouldn’t be allowed to dance. LUCKILY for her, her family was willing to look for someone else (her marriage was also arranged) and ultimately found her a man who works for the postal service and fully supports what she does (I love him.) Chandana’s parents are not so flexible. So she is dancing with the weight of the world on her shoulders, knowing that in less than three months she will have to leave EVERYTHING she knows—her family, her friends, Kripa, and her passion for dance and settle with just being a wife. She tries to act optimistic but I have seen her eyes fill up with tears numerous times when her marriage is brought up and once she told me she goes home and cries about it daily. In a last ditch effort, Kripa is arranging a January performance and forcing her fiancé and his family to attend. She said that that maybe if they see what Bharatanatyam really is they would be willing to allow her to continue. Chandana isn’t getting her hopes up. Sometimes I hateeee the worrrldddddd.

Anyway I know this post is long but I just need to add a little story of my own while i'm on the subject of hating the world. Today a friend and I decided to take a walk around the lake nearby...its a short walk but beautiful you're just suddenly in full nature with all these egret-y birds flying around and blooming bushes full of flowers spilling over onto the little dirt path. Long story short we ended up getting followed by this CREEP who eventually whipped his penis out of his pants at us and we had no idea what to do...just standing there in the semi wilderness like ten feet away from this guy with everything hanging out trying sooo hard not to look and also figure out how the hell to get away because no one could see us and he was blocking our only escape. After I yelled something about waiting for this fucking asshole to leave he went away but not without stopping every ten feet to look back at us and touch the crotch in his pants. When we got out to the street he looked to be going the opposite way and then when he saw where we were going started following us and I thanked God that we had somewhere else to go than home--we walked to town and lost him there but UGHHHHHHH it got me SO riled up if he had gotten any closer I think I would seriously have kicked him in the balls and or punched his face as hard as I possibly could. I just HATE the male female dynamic here, men are SO sure that you won't do anything and walk around with this swagger of complete power and control expecting you to defer to them and not do anything even if they are wagging their penis in your face! And most often, women don't!! The culture doesn't support them to fight back and in our case it would have just made the situation worse to approach him it seemed the best thing to just try and quietly get away. This girl and I-both rugby players-were about twice his size and could clearly have beaten him within an inch of his life but it didn't matter. He was a man we were women, and that was all he saw and all that mattered. I HATE that. I'll just say that this experience didn't do anything to help/assuage my tendency toward isolationist feminism haHA. I could go on but at this point this entry is a short novel. Love to everyone.

dancin queen

so I haven't been in the mood to write up lately but after a night spent cold sweating/almost passing out/half sleeping on the bathroom floor and a day laying in bed feeling like the bottom of a shoe and choking down rehydration salts (if you've never had to drink them may you never have to...the LASTTTT thing you want while feeling sick to your stomach) I figured being bedridden anyway I have no excuse avoid it any longer. What is new? MY PROJECT! Some of you may know that by the end of my month long trip all I wanted to do was hide away in the ashram for the rest of eternity chanting and meditating and eating watery rice and peas. I was this close to calling Dr. Rao and asking to let me change my project and do just that, and was also considering staying on past my departure date so I could be around when Ammachi actually came. I'm so glad I didn't! I'm sure it would have been great in its own way but I couldn't be happier with my dance project. The teacher, Kripa, turned out to actually be REALLLLLY into it and the instant I got back had all these plans and schedules and things which was GREAT because when I originally told her I wanted to like stalk her life for a month she seemed umm...less than eager about the whole idea (I believe "so what do you think I'm supposed to do with you for an entire month" was one of her straight faced queries.) My days Monday through Friday look something like this:
9:30 catch the city bus in front of the big tree by the bank that apparently everyone and their mother knows is a bus stand but had me quite confused for a few days
11:00 FINALLY arrive at Kripa's after changing buses in the middle of town, having twelve hernias that I'm going the wrong way or gonna miss my stop, and getting stared at by Indians of all shapes and sizes for pretty much the entire ride.
11:00-12:30 Get PRIVATE LESSONS with Kripa in the dance studio in her house (called the rhythm cottage--I love that) where she spends some of the time teaching me new moves for a dance, lots of the time making me just run through the basic steps til my legs are shaking and I'm dripping sweat, and a good amount of time letting me sit down and talking about all manner of things in the universe, sometimes dance sometimes not. I am so grateful to have this time--Kripa is EXTREMELY respected in the community (her dance students bow down and touch her feet at the end of each class!!!) and having one on one time with her for 7 and a half hours a week is pretty much unheard of/amazing.
12:30-1:00 One of Kripa's longest running students (18 yrs!) who now has a masters in dance and runs her own studio comes to practice, and I think this is the most valuable part of my day. I get to run through some of the steps with her (!!!!!) and I spend a lot of time watching the way she stylizes each move and moves her head and stuff and try to copy. After a while I sit down and she practices for a show she has coming up. I am inspired and blown away every time and wish I could learn the dances she's doing!
1:00 Kripa's jolly husband Vijay makes us all lunch (SO GOOD) and usually puts on ABBA blasting so loud the windows shake. I think he is trying to impress me so I try and respectfully nod along while surreptitiously holding one of my ears to my shoulder to drown out the noise.
1:30 Kripa makes me go take a nap in the dance studio on a bamboo mat, during which time I usually busy myself swatting mosquitos and trying to remember the new moves from that day which most often I've completely forgotten.
2:00-4:30 Ride with Kripa on the back of her scooter to the school where she works and observe two hour-long dance classes for the kids. She usually makes me get up and take class with the second group who I think are 7 or 8 yrs old and they straight kick my ass at dancing. DEFINITELY makes me swallow my pride, but it is great practice.
4:30 this part hasn't been figured out yet quite--I spent a few days riding back with Kripa on her scooter and then taking the bus but at that hour it is so crowded that you can barely breathe and getting off feels like coming through the birth canal it is stuffed so tight with people. Tried taking a school "bus" (actually a weird old jaloppy van) with some kids and a mentally disabled lady but after getting soooo nauseous in the back he dropped me off only half way anyway and I ended up walking/catching the bus after all. Someone said there are arrangements being made so I can have a legit school bus ride back to my area so that will be nice! 3 hours of Indian bus is about 2 and a half hours more than I can handle.
OK my stomach is starting to act up again so I'm off to go lay down and stare at the ceiling for another long while. hooray. Love to everyone!

I wish there was a more expressive word for love

So I did it! And I think I can definitely say it was the experience of a lifetime….both in the way of peak experiences where my heart was so full I had to hold my hand on my chest to make sure it didn’t explode out, and in the way of unbelievable challenges that pushed me to the absolute limit of my tolerance. I kept remembering how lucky I was to be doing what I was doing, and when I touched (hugged) the Taj Mahal for the first time, sat next to a goat on the ghats in Varanasi watching the sky darken over the Ganges, and chanted evening bhajans in the temple where ammachi gives darshan listening to the rain pound down outside I shed tears of joy that I was alive and witnessing life this way. My thought process was often something like “Kendra, wait a minute--you are ON THE GANGES RIGHT NOW. That river, RIGHT THERE is the fucking Ganges. !!!!!!!!! (commence crying)” I was so glad I made the decision to travel alone. When I needed company there were always people to meet and talk to and explore with, but I also loved venturing out by myself and experiencing things without any input or judgment or pull from anyone else. Things look different when you are seeing them through your eyes alone! I found that people also are more inclined to want to help you if you are a tiny girl traveling alone, and I had a number of people sort of take me under their wing even in little ways along the way. In Delhi an airport worker saw that I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open but didn’t want to leave my stuff unattended and showed me to the recliner seats and promised to check up on me until I woke up so none of my stuff would be taken, in Varanasi a young Indian woman I rode with in a rickshaw gave me her number and said to call her if I was ever afraid or in a bad situation and she’d figure out a way to help, in Kerala me and everything I owned were soaked through to the bone and as I sat at a boat station crying (long story) a man quietly moved to stand in front of me with his umbrella open and while everyone else stood at the other side of the station where it was dry he let the rain beat at his legs and blocked all of it from blowing in on me. Little things, but it really meant a lot to feel like I had support. I think the main thing I learned was, and I know this sounds cliché and stupid but I really feel like I am capable of doing anything. One time that stands out for me was wandering the streets of Alleppey alone at night completely lost and soaked looking for an apparently non-existant destination muttering out loud to myself that this was by far THE WORST day of my life and feeling like there was NOTHING I could do wanting to just sit under a tree and give up on everything. After being told the wrong directions and getting myself more lost twice and yelling at the bus people over the phone even though they didn’t speak any English (it was therapeutic) and breaking down and asking just about everyone I could find for help I DID make it, and when I stepped into that damn restaurant/bus stop I felt a HUGE surge of pride and decided that if I could find a bus stop that didn’t exist in a monsoon in the dark in India by myself I could damn well figure out a way to tackle most things. I also realized through meeting all these people who were doing extended travel (one couple was doing the entire world in four years!) that travel is really what I NEED to be doing and it isn’t that hard to just make it happen if you are willing to work along the way and can be flexible. I always say that my life goal is to have children and I still feel that way, but I think now that it is going to have to wait a long while while I see the world. Destinations I can’t wait for: Brazil (spending some time in the Amazon), South Africa, Bali, Nepal, Cuba ahhhhh just writing about it makes my heart jump into my throat. Once when I was having a spontaneous solo dance party in my room in Varanasi that song by Cat Stevens came on shuffle that says "there's so much left to know and I'm on the road to find out" and I realized yeesssssss that is my motto for life.

I scribbled this out on the back of an e-ticket on one of my many endless travel endeavours:
trains - 5
buses - 5
planes - 3
groped - 5
times i had the chance to elbow the living daylights out of the guy - 3
overwhelmed/end of my rope cries in public - 4
scenes created over someone attempting to rip me off - innumberable
sick - 2
cameras bought - 2
cameras ruined - 3
plans changed - half
places stayed where I paid less than $3/night - 6
amount of people surprised I was from the US solely because I'm not morbidly obese- 2
times listened to "I am woman hear me roar" - over 10
times my heart exploded our of my chest with joy - innumberable

yesss

exhauuusteeeeeed but alive, back in Mysore. I'll post tomorrow or whenever I find I can make complete coherent sentences again. Love to errbody

If I see one more hippie with a flute tied to their pants, a flowing Indian scarf wrapped around their dreads, or a vacant "blissed out" smile wandering around I'm going to EXPLODE. The time has clearly come, my friends, to leave Mcleod Ganj. Don't get me wrong it has been wonderful, but if I wanted to spend all my time surrounded by hippies with acquired Indian accents I would never have left Arcata. I have decided to go to Amritsar tomorrow which is the home to the Golden Temple, the "mecca" of the Sikhs. I've met lots of people who went there and loved it, plus the lodging AND food are free so no matter what it can't be that bad! It'll also save me from spending any more time in Delhi where I had originally planned to spend a night or two but now just the mention of it makes me want to bathe in purell, curl into a ball and die. ANYWAY, my trek! The trek was quite an experience. I'm not even sure what to write about it! I think when I decided to go "trekking in the Himalaya" I was so distracted by the utter romance of it that I didn't really think about the fact that trekking=hiking up mountains ALL DAY LONG. I felt pretty slick for the first few minutes, striding away from the trekking place with a sleeping bag tied on my backpack and energy bar in hand, congratulating myself on being so fit and adventurous. Let's just say that about 35 minutes in (right after we stopped going downhill) I had a rude awakening as I lay sprawled out on a rock BATHED in sweat under the beating sun trying to decide if anyone would miss me if I just stayed there and left my body to the elements. Yes, I am not exactly the trekking type. That being said, it was GREAT to push myself past my limits and every time we reached the top of a hill or a section I felt SO proud of myself and so grateful to be alive!! We saw the most wonderful things---the light of the sun setting on the mountains, a mama goat with a baby that had just been born hours before (some of the umbilical cord was still attached!), tiny villages that seemed like they were straight out of National Geographic, et cetera. I took my first shower in 8 days in a mountain stream with the clearest most beautiful water I have ever seen, and had an almost romance with a beautiful shepard man (!!). By night three I was feeling pretty slick again and we were staying in this Durga temple in the middle of the forest with absolutely NO ONE around except the two guys who kept the temple clean and a few stray dogs. I thought I would seize the opportunity to be an inspirational mountain woman and sleep under the stars, since there was no light around I knew they would be breathtaking. I threw out my paper thin pad and hopped in the sleeping bag, ready to be amazed. Weeellll, apparently secluded mountain temples are fucking FREEZING. Within minutes I had only one eye sticking out of the mummy bag and was trying to still see the stars without letting any air in (impossible)...DETERMINED I went down to my room and put on all the clothes I had (3 pairs of pants, a t shirt, a fleece sweatshirt, an ENORMOUS borrowed wool sweater, a borrowed wool coat, wool gloves, wool socks, a scarf and a wool hat) and went back up to try again. I was so fat I could barely fit in the sleeping bag, but at least I wasn't shaking...for long. I started to feel a cool breeze on my leg and reached down to find that the zipper had exploded! my whole legs were out in the air. And as I tried to roll the bag under my legs the top zipper exploded too because I was wayyyy too big and I just laid there in a heap trying to convince myself that at some point this would be funny but was just sooo bitter and too angry to even see the stars at this point. I had to give in and trudge down to our "cozy" little room downstairs which was actually just a concrete jail cell-esque thing with no beds and all sorts of charcoal graffiti on the wall but once I was in there it was a whole lot warmer and I was able to shed enough clothes to fit in the sleeping bag and slept like a baby. Overall I am SOOOO glad I decided to go and although I pretty much feel like a fossil right now because I'm so sore my muscles have crystalized, I can't wait to trek again! I can't believe I spend so much time indoors in my normal life...trekking made me remember how heartstoppingly wonderful nature is and now all I want to do is frolic around in streams and sleep under the stars (in warm places ONLY.) Sooo I'm off to begin this last leg of my solo adventure (only 8 days left!) and I can't wait to see how it goes. Love to you all!!!

clean

quick quick: FRESH AIR IS SUCH A BLESSING!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I got off the bus (after 11 hrs train and 4 1/2 bus behind a puking guy) I had to cry with joy at breathing in real fresh air...I think even if I had gotten off a bus into Los Angeles I would have cried because the air quality in Delhi/Agra were so unbelievably horrible...But getting off into the pristine chilly STAGGERINGLY beautiful himalaya filled me with so much joy I just needed to shed a few tears. It is so different here....The town is very small and is all built into the mountainside so everywhere you look you can see trees for days and the huge snowy peaks of the himalayas and BLUE SKY...the actual place is mostly full of shops and then the Dalai Lama's house/temple....everywhere you look there are monks and grungy tanned travelers and barely ANY hassling at all...such a change. Today I woke up early and decided to wander and it was SO amazing to be able to wander through something other than pee filled alleyways and dirty shop infested streets...I could walk through trees and rocks and scrub!!! What a joy!! I actually ended up at a waterfall with this crazy view of a valley and found a dog friend who walked all the way up with me so even when I accidentally ended up at a drug den I felt totally safe. Anyway I just wanted to say that I am going to start a trek TOMORROW!! Ack!!! It's me and an older lady who I haven't met yet from Alaska, and we will be trekking for four days/three nights and staying in small villages along the way. I'm kind of nervous--it is FREEZING here at night but they said I could use all their gear so I will probably be a Tibetan snowwoman with ten enormous coats and woven pants and mittens and stuff. I would say I'd post pictures of it--but my camera broke!!!! What a terrible place not to have a camera! I bought this ooooold school point and shoot and I'm hoping the pictures from that will actually work. OK time to go pack, Love to everyone!!